I did NOT . . .
A friend in the blogging world will sometimes write posts simply titled, "I did NOT . . ." I love reading these posts and think it's the best way to blog about certain events that did NOT take place on my trip to Mexico.
I'm not sure I really even went to Mexico but if I did I most certainly did NOT spend 8 days and nights in a beautiful villa in Puerta Vallarta living the lifestyles of the rich and famous where the likes of Mel Gibson, Vin Diesl and Wynnona Ryder stayed. I'm sure it's just all an incredible dream. I did NOT sleep in the same bed as the gorgeous Vin Diesl and speaking of dreams (no worries honey), I definitely did NOT even once have a dream about that Fast and Furious Heart-throb.
I did NOT have breakfast with fresh fruit, eggs, toast, bacon and fresh squeezed orange juice served to me each morning and a beautiful dinner cooked for me each night. I did NOT have a personal waiter whose sole purpose was to continually bring me Mango Margaritas, chips, salsa and guacamole while I sunbathed next to a gorgeous infinity pool overlooking the ocean and scenic rocks of Bandaras Bay. Like that's NOT hard enough to imagine, but even more ridiculous, NOT having any dirty dishes, loads of laundry or house to clean for an entire week, are you kidding me? If I truly went there, I'd not only remember but never come back, I'm NOT stupid, you know!
I did NOT get drunk after several margaritas and a couple of shots of tequila on the beach in Mismaloya and pay good, hard-earned pesos for temporary works of body art commonly referred to as tattoos. So,how ink stains got on my bikini, why a butterfly flutters above the crack of my butt, why a little frog is stretched out sunning near the top of my shoulder or, what the heck, an ugly bug-eyed toad is doing squatting on the fat part of my gut, I just don't know . . . but I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation.
I did NOT get sun poisoning within the first 2 days there and have bumps resembling acne covering my chest for the remainder of the trip. I am now NOT peeling and looking like a cross between a lizard and a leper. And those crazy acne looking bumps have NOT migrated north to my face making me a prime candidate for Pro-Active. Trust me, it's so very attractive!
I did NOT have multiple massages on the beach for $25.00 per hour, get real. If that were the case, I'd still be on that Mexican Beach. There'd also be some kind of lasting side effects from numerous "spa treatments." For instance, I'd be relaxed this peaceful evening sipping a glass of tea oblivious to my dog barking and my kids screaming, whining and fighting around me instead of with tension in my neck and shoulders, pounding in my head, and the paddle in my hand demanding silence or else, So Help Me . . . Some One's Gonna Get Hurt!!!!!
I did NOT enjoy Puerta Vallartan Art and Sculptures and even pose with said displays. Let's face it, the only art I've enjoyed over the past few years have been crayon masterpieces drawn by chubby, little orange Cheetos' covered fingers and art designs created from macaroni noodles, various colored pipe cleaners and cotton balls. I could NOT have leisurely strolled from shop to shop for days on end. The highlight of my shopping experience most generally takes place at Walmart, Target or Sam's. Besides, for any leisurely shopping to have occured, I would have been without kids, yeah right!
I did NOT para-sail high above a remote beach, zip line through a dense jungle, hold a slimy jellyfish, pet a crocodile, sorta smoke a cigar (of course like Clinton, I did NOT inhale), snorkel around a reef with schools of fish surrounding me or relax in a boat while watching a herd of dolphins jump all around. That could NOT have been me because the extent of my adventures nowadays center around running errands with the kids, cooking for family functions and wiping Great Grandma's Butt. Besides as a Mom, I must always maintain the epitome of all things cautious, responsible and sensible, as seen from the minivan I drive to the clothes I wear.
Okay, so all the did NOTS have so far been fairly mild. Beware, the following is Rated R for Mature Audiences containing questionable content including brief nudity, an extreme lack of morals, and over-indulgence of alcohol. Turn Back Now or forever hold your peace.
I did NOT do 3 shots of Tequila after drinking a couple of loaded Margaritas the last night in Puerta Vallarta. I did NOT repeatedly dance with our waiter at the restaurant who, I might say, looked just like a young Mel Gibson only Mexican.
I should soooo stop at this point but here's a few more things I totally did NOT do.
I, with my best friend, did NOT moon my husband, friends and driver in the taxi behind us on the way up to our villa. That taxi driver did NOT flash his bright lights and lay on his horn in appreciation of the show. I did NOT invite the taxi driver inside to swim, (good thing he knew little English) and was NOT so drunk that I couldn't walk but had to be carried like a sack of potatoes from the taxi into the villa. I was NOT embarrassed of my actions and did NOT swear to NEVER do tequila shots ever, EVER Again!
I am now NOT depressed, I am NOT going through a mid life crisis and have NOT spent the last few days looking on-line for houses for sale in Puerta Vallarta. This afternoon, I did NOT give my husband the go ahead to put our house up for sale, declaring I would seriously move if he wanted to. I am NOT really considering home-schooling my kids, that would be cruel and unusual punishment for all parties included! I am NOT truly planning on deserting my life here stateside with all it's stress and worry from the daily grind and rat race for the promise of a better life in Mexico, now that would be crazy!
By the way, if you haven't already, go see the movie, "UP" it's awesome!
I'm not sure I really even went to Mexico but if I did I most certainly did NOT spend 8 days and nights in a beautiful villa in Puerta Vallarta living the lifestyles of the rich and famous where the likes of Mel Gibson, Vin Diesl and Wynnona Ryder stayed. I'm sure it's just all an incredible dream. I did NOT sleep in the same bed as the gorgeous Vin Diesl and speaking of dreams (no worries honey), I definitely did NOT even once have a dream about that Fast and Furious Heart-throb.
I did NOT have breakfast with fresh fruit, eggs, toast, bacon and fresh squeezed orange juice served to me each morning and a beautiful dinner cooked for me each night. I did NOT have a personal waiter whose sole purpose was to continually bring me Mango Margaritas, chips, salsa and guacamole while I sunbathed next to a gorgeous infinity pool overlooking the ocean and scenic rocks of Bandaras Bay. Like that's NOT hard enough to imagine, but even more ridiculous, NOT having any dirty dishes, loads of laundry or house to clean for an entire week, are you kidding me? If I truly went there, I'd not only remember but never come back, I'm NOT stupid, you know!
I did NOT get drunk after several margaritas and a couple of shots of tequila on the beach in Mismaloya and pay good, hard-earned pesos for temporary works of body art commonly referred to as tattoos. So,how ink stains got on my bikini, why a butterfly flutters above the crack of my butt, why a little frog is stretched out sunning near the top of my shoulder or, what the heck, an ugly bug-eyed toad is doing squatting on the fat part of my gut, I just don't know . . . but I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation.
I did NOT get sun poisoning within the first 2 days there and have bumps resembling acne covering my chest for the remainder of the trip. I am now NOT peeling and looking like a cross between a lizard and a leper. And those crazy acne looking bumps have NOT migrated north to my face making me a prime candidate for Pro-Active. Trust me, it's so very attractive!
I did NOT have multiple massages on the beach for $25.00 per hour, get real. If that were the case, I'd still be on that Mexican Beach. There'd also be some kind of lasting side effects from numerous "spa treatments." For instance, I'd be relaxed this peaceful evening sipping a glass of tea oblivious to my dog barking and my kids screaming, whining and fighting around me instead of with tension in my neck and shoulders, pounding in my head, and the paddle in my hand demanding silence or else, So Help Me . . . Some One's Gonna Get Hurt!!!!!
I did NOT enjoy Puerta Vallartan Art and Sculptures and even pose with said displays. Let's face it, the only art I've enjoyed over the past few years have been crayon masterpieces drawn by chubby, little orange Cheetos' covered fingers and art designs created from macaroni noodles, various colored pipe cleaners and cotton balls. I could NOT have leisurely strolled from shop to shop for days on end. The highlight of my shopping experience most generally takes place at Walmart, Target or Sam's. Besides, for any leisurely shopping to have occured, I would have been without kids, yeah right!
I did NOT para-sail high above a remote beach, zip line through a dense jungle, hold a slimy jellyfish, pet a crocodile, sorta smoke a cigar (of course like Clinton, I did NOT inhale), snorkel around a reef with schools of fish surrounding me or relax in a boat while watching a herd of dolphins jump all around. That could NOT have been me because the extent of my adventures nowadays center around running errands with the kids, cooking for family functions and wiping Great Grandma's Butt. Besides as a Mom, I must always maintain the epitome of all things cautious, responsible and sensible, as seen from the minivan I drive to the clothes I wear.
Okay, so all the did NOTS have so far been fairly mild. Beware, the following is Rated R for Mature Audiences containing questionable content including brief nudity, an extreme lack of morals, and over-indulgence of alcohol. Turn Back Now or forever hold your peace.
I did NOT do 3 shots of Tequila after drinking a couple of loaded Margaritas the last night in Puerta Vallarta. I did NOT repeatedly dance with our waiter at the restaurant who, I might say, looked just like a young Mel Gibson only Mexican.
I should soooo stop at this point but here's a few more things I totally did NOT do.
I, with my best friend, did NOT moon my husband, friends and driver in the taxi behind us on the way up to our villa. That taxi driver did NOT flash his bright lights and lay on his horn in appreciation of the show. I did NOT invite the taxi driver inside to swim, (good thing he knew little English) and was NOT so drunk that I couldn't walk but had to be carried like a sack of potatoes from the taxi into the villa. I was NOT embarrassed of my actions and did NOT swear to NEVER do tequila shots ever, EVER Again!
I am now NOT depressed, I am NOT going through a mid life crisis and have NOT spent the last few days looking on-line for houses for sale in Puerta Vallarta. This afternoon, I did NOT give my husband the go ahead to put our house up for sale, declaring I would seriously move if he wanted to. I am NOT really considering home-schooling my kids, that would be cruel and unusual punishment for all parties included! I am NOT truly planning on deserting my life here stateside with all it's stress and worry from the daily grind and rat race for the promise of a better life in Mexico, now that would be crazy!
By the way, if you haven't already, go see the movie, "UP" it's awesome!
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