The Road Ahead
It’s raining outside as I stir macaroni and flip grilled cheese sandwiches. My mind is at a tug of war going back and forth, whether to blog or not. I guess I will. After all, this is my world. . . the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly.
Mom, I don’t know if I can put into words my desire, my need to be a source of strength and comfort for you. Please let me be there for you. You know me, I'm strong like you, I can take it. We’ve said we’ll be honest with each other and leave nothing unsaid. . . and so, here it goes.
Monday just before lunch, I picked up the phone and called Mom. That morning she went for a colonoscopy so I was locked and loaded with 101 jokes about the test when she said, “they found a tumor, it’s cancer. . . they’re talking radiation and chemo.”
My world stopped. You know, I didn’t even realize it was moving until it stopped. Everything in my life (my husband, kids, job, reports, upcoming trips, summer, dinner on Friday night), Everything faded out and Cancer took its place. The disease is not attacking my body but it feels like it has kicked me square in the chest. It's difficult to breathe.
Mom, she’s amazing. She says she’s at peace with the road ahead. . . while the rest of us sit on pins and needles waiting for the upcoming tests, I think she’s mentally really okay. You know, her biggest challenge ahead is going to be letting us take care of her rather than her taking care of all of us. My mom is most amazing in the little ways she makes each of us feel special, secure, and loved. She’s always there with the right words, touch, encouragement, joke, well with her love. She’s the most giving person I know.
In the tub tonight thinking of the past 3 days, the guilt crept in. I haven’t even begun praying. Shouldn’t I have first and foremost done that, and then repeated every 5 minutes? I know it sounds crazy, but I feel that if I start standing, believing, having faith for (you know the terminology) than that means it's all really happening and at the moment I prefer denial. I thought to myself, you haven’t even turned to God. But then it hit me, everywhere I’ve turned there was God. You know, He’s not in a statue, in some building, in some far away country but I’ve found Him in Missouri, Tennessee, Arizona, and all around Tulsa in the form of family and friends. He’s given me love, support, and encouragement through everyone I’ve called. So I guess I haven't turned to Him in the traditional manner, you know on bent knee, head bowed, eyes closed (not to dish that approach. . . I'm sure I'll turn to that as well) but I have turned to Him.
Mom will have a MRI on Monday and with that the road ahead will come into view.
Mom, I don’t know if I can put into words my desire, my need to be a source of strength and comfort for you. Please let me be there for you. You know me, I'm strong like you, I can take it. We’ve said we’ll be honest with each other and leave nothing unsaid. . . and so, here it goes.
Monday just before lunch, I picked up the phone and called Mom. That morning she went for a colonoscopy so I was locked and loaded with 101 jokes about the test when she said, “they found a tumor, it’s cancer. . . they’re talking radiation and chemo.”
My world stopped. You know, I didn’t even realize it was moving until it stopped. Everything in my life (my husband, kids, job, reports, upcoming trips, summer, dinner on Friday night), Everything faded out and Cancer took its place. The disease is not attacking my body but it feels like it has kicked me square in the chest. It's difficult to breathe.
Mom, she’s amazing. She says she’s at peace with the road ahead. . . while the rest of us sit on pins and needles waiting for the upcoming tests, I think she’s mentally really okay. You know, her biggest challenge ahead is going to be letting us take care of her rather than her taking care of all of us. My mom is most amazing in the little ways she makes each of us feel special, secure, and loved. She’s always there with the right words, touch, encouragement, joke, well with her love. She’s the most giving person I know.
In the tub tonight thinking of the past 3 days, the guilt crept in. I haven’t even begun praying. Shouldn’t I have first and foremost done that, and then repeated every 5 minutes? I know it sounds crazy, but I feel that if I start standing, believing, having faith for (you know the terminology) than that means it's all really happening and at the moment I prefer denial. I thought to myself, you haven’t even turned to God. But then it hit me, everywhere I’ve turned there was God. You know, He’s not in a statue, in some building, in some far away country but I’ve found Him in Missouri, Tennessee, Arizona, and all around Tulsa in the form of family and friends. He’s given me love, support, and encouragement through everyone I’ve called. So I guess I haven't turned to Him in the traditional manner, you know on bent knee, head bowed, eyes closed (not to dish that approach. . . I'm sure I'll turn to that as well) but I have turned to Him.
Mom will have a MRI on Monday and with that the road ahead will come into view.
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